I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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