woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
