Only a mothe r could love this liver
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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