I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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