I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
