so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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