I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
