I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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