You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
