I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
