i just made my gag reflex go away.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
