There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
