The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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