I skipped work to stalk him.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
