There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Found the puke drawer
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
