I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
