I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
