She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
