He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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