So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
