Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
