I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
