I will die if light touches me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
