I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
