she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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