she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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