at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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