Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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