I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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