worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
