So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
