So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
