I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
