Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
