Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
