Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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