I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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