Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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