I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
