direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
