Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
