The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
