I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
