Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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