Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
