just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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