Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
