It's like God shit irony all over that family
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
