did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
