I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
