I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
