I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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