Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He felt like a one man threesome
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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