Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
