in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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